Superman #1

Since Action Comics #1 is set in Superman's past, Superman #1 represents our first look at the character's new status quo. Parents say that the first time they lay eyes on their newborn children, they instantly love them. Hopefully writer George Perez and artist Jesus Marino feel that way about their little labor of love. Cause to the rest of us, this is just an ugly, unimportant mess that I wish was actually covered in afterbirth, so I'd have an excuse to not read it.

I wish I could say this was a basic Superman story. Clark pines for Lois, there's a couple scenes at the Daily Planet, Superman fights a big monster, etc. I mean, all that stuff is there, and if that's all this comic was, it'd merely be bland instead of horrible. Ah, the new DC, where bland would be a pleasant surprise. But I suppose horrible is pretty much pre-destined when you take a comic where an artist (Perez) handles the script and an inker (Merino) pencils the damn thing. What does DC have against letting people do the jobs they're good at? DC comics was a hospital, they'd have doctors waxing the floors and janitors giving gynecological exams. Hmmm...note to self, get DC Comics to buy a hospital, apply for job as janitor.

Anyways, Perez sucks as a writer. He uses flashbacks and voiceover narration to tell a story about how the Daily Planet was bought out by a media company. This is the first frigging issue, why not just start the story there? But Perez's writing sins are not forgiven just yet. He uses an article about Clark Kent as a framing device for the issue. Clark's supposed to be a pretty good writer, what with the winning prizes, working for a major paper and having a novel published. So why is Clark busting out prose like "Superman assumed that the thieves were not from Metropolis. No local criminals would dare do this. Not in Metrpolis. Not on Superman's turf." Jesus. It's like Superman doesn't even give a shit about pretending that he's not Clark Kent. He might as well have typed "Hey, Superman's well-hung and handsome and he's me."

The art side of things isn't quite as bad. Merino used to ink an artist named Carlos Pacheco, who is legit awesome. When he signed with Marvel comics, someone at DC (presumably someone with macular degeneration) decided that Merino was ready to fly solo. Merino's art is super-wrinkled looking, like everything on the page is in need of a good ironing board. He also draws Superman looking like Harry Potter. Which I, as a Potter fan, am all about. But presumably there are people out there that don't want Clark Kent to look like the Boy Who Lived.

Buy Again: Yeah, as long as they replace all the talent, concepts, and editors involved, I'm in.

New Reader Friendly: No, Perez's weird techniques made this comic not at all new reader friendly.

Supergirl #1

Don't expect this review to be very long. There's so little content in Supergirl #1, I'm sort of having trouble trying to review it. Writers Michael Green and Mike Johnson wrote 20 pages of Supergirl punching giant robots in the snow. I looked these guys up because I had no idea who the hell they were. Turns out they wrote Smallville and the Green Lantern movie. So really, the based on their track record, 20 pages of Supergirl punching robots is among their best ideas. And yes, it took two of them to accomplish this feat. You think they each took 10 pages? Or do you think Queen was like "Supergirl fights robots" and Johnson's like "YES, BUT IN THE SNOW!" and then they high-fived? Either way, this comic sucks, but not because it was horrendously bad, just because nothing happened.

The art's okay, if a little scratchy for a Supergirl comic. Supergirl continues her tradition of having awful costumes. There's nothing compelling about the plot or likable about the characters. I just don't understand how a comic like this gets made. Supergirl is a character that rightfully deserves a place in the DC canon, but for the past 20 years, no writer but Peter David has been able to do anything worthwhile with her. DC needs a plan for her.

Buy again: Nope.

New reader friendly: I guess, though new readers might confused why Supergir fights robots in the snow before she even meets her more-famous cousin.

Action Comics #1

Oh snap, I got Action Comics #1, I can buy a jetski and relax now. Valued at over $100,000,000, Action Comics #1 features the first appearance of Superman. Unfortunately, I have a different Action Comics #1. Not even the longest-running American comic series was spared from DC's line-wide reboot.

This Action Comics, written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Rags Morales, serves as a reintroduction of Superman. Morrison, drawing inspiration from the character's Great Depression roots, has recast him as a champion of the underdog, saving homeless teens from wrecking balls and throwing wife beaters (the man-who-beats-a-woman kind, not the kind Italian-Americans favor as undershirts) into rivers. With his powers toned-down and his superhero experience at zero, this version of Clark Kent is intended to be more relatable and human than previous incarnations.

While it's not my preferred take on the character, it is a perfectly valid one. Morrison executes his vision skillfully. This is no surprise, as DC handed the keys to the character to one of the top writers in the industry. Morrison's written dozens of excellent comics, including the semi-recent "All-Star Superman". Action's protagonist is fairly well-developed in this one issue. The supporting cast doesn't get as much attention, and Morrison perhaps relies too heavily on readers knowing that Lex Luthor hates Superman, Lois Lane is a rival reporter and Jimmy Olsen is Clark's loyal friend.

But writing only half a comic makes (I'm Shakespearean up in this bitch). Providing the art is Rags Morales. The art is a mess. Characters have faces that appear to be melting, Superman occasionally looks manorexic, and everyone seems to have a horrible fucking haircut. He does manage to occasionally make it look like Superman is having fun though, so I award him half a point (out of a possible 8000 points).

Will I be buying the next issue: Yes, but largely on Morrison's track record.

Would a new reader be able to pick up this comic and understand it: Yes, except for counting a bit too much on Superman's place in the cultural canon, it's a straight-forward and accessible story.